Roger “The Dodger” Clemens

 

Roger “The Dodger” Clemens

 Breaking News: Roger Clemens answers questions: 

Q:
Did you take steroids?
A:
No

Q:
Did you have an affair with then 15 year old Mindy McCready?
A:
No

Q:
Is your name Roger Clemens?
A:

No, oops I misremembered.

Maybe we can supply Rocket Man with some ginkgo biloba for his memory issues.
Looking for love in all the wrong places Roger is living out a Country Western song.
The Ballad of Roger The Dodger Clemens.
I was a fool for loving you and I know that it was wrong. But I can’t remember what I do, especially when I’m on my “roids”.  

Where the hell is Columbo when you need him? How’s about we call Monk and have him obsess about the actions of one of America’s baseball heroes?
Joe DiMaggio where are you when we need you?

Mamas don’t let your sons grow up to be morons and idiots.

Not only is Roger trying to dodge steroid use questions now he is being accused of a relationship with an underage girl.

To make matters worse the shit is hitting the fan at warp speed as heretofore hidden secrets of the rich and famous ball player are making their way across the internet.

 Breaking News

The New York Daily News reports that Clemens and Mindy McCready were lovers when she was only 15 years old and Roger was 28, a married father of two and the Red Sox’ best pitcher.

“I cannot refute anything in the story,” McCready tearfully told the Daily News yesterday.

Breaking News
Wife of retired pro-wrestler “Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake” claims accused baseball bad boy Roger Clemens made a pass at her 18 years ago, but the married Red Sox [team stats] ace never reached first base.

Breaking News
Barbara Leslie, 43, of Winchester - then a comely waitress at the celeb-magnet Palace nightclub in Saugus - claims that in her brush with the Rocket, he said, “‘What would you do if I tried to kiss you?’ ” and she replied, “‘What would your wife say if you tried to kiss me?”

Clemens’ Houston attorney Rusty Hardin did not respond to a request for comment on this latest accusation of extramarital shenanigans by the seven-time Cy Young Award-winning pitcher, who’s also under investigation by the FBI for steroid abuse.

Leslie, who hadn’t yet met her husband of 15 years, Edward Leslie, was fetching drinks in lifeguard shorts and a tank top at the Palace when, she says, Clemens happened by with a pal in 1990.

“People were going, ‘Roger Clemens is here, and Roger Clemens is here!’ ” she said. “Being a big sports personality in Boston, all the waitresses wanted to wait on him. He definitely didn’t act like a man who was married, though.”

Leslie said Clemens had been in the club about an hour and she admits to flirting with him until he allegedly followed her into a dressing room off-limits to the public, leaned into her and made the clumsy, rebuffed overture.

“Back then, it was a compliment to have someone like Roger Clemens think you’re pretty, and I’m a huge Red Sox fan,” said Leslie, “but the next day, I was totally grossed out.”

And no richer for it, apparently.

“I gotta tell you, he wasn’t that great a tipper,” Leslie said. “As I recall, he didn’t even take his money out.”

Breaking News
Roger “The Dodger” Clemens has decided to take the fifth on every issue, every question and everything in his past until the proverbial cows come home.
Here’s a useful tip Roger, keep your mouth shut and keep it in your pants.

 

Joisey Boys

The NFL is on the clock, but  - Surprise - the Tuna has gone and taken all the fun out of the contrived drama.
You gotta love the cojones on Bill Parcells. He is a no nonsense East Coast Joisey Boy.
The number one pick is out of the bag. The woeful Fins under the leadership of “if I’m going to cook the dinner I want to buy the groceries” Parcells aren’t wasting our time trying to figure out which of the unproven college players is going to go at numero uno.

At Number One the Miami Dolphins select….drum roll….. Jake Long
The Fins signed the former Michigan State left tackle to a five year contract reportedly worth 57.5 million with 30 million guaranteed.
Thank you Football Gods!
I won’t have to set my TIVO to record the moment for posterity because I sure as shit am not going to sit around on Saturday morning for that slow death watch.
The number one pick is a done deal and all that remains for numbnut fans to ponder are the other two hundred something other picks in the two day bore-a-thon.

Thank you Tuna, you’re style of football has always been old skool with a touch of Mafiaoso thrown in for good measure. Tuna knows how to handle these beefy men but Just in case one of the blockheads get out of line he is propely versed on how to address that question. Who the fuck do you think is the boss? It’s me, Bill Parcells, capishe?

There seems to be a little Tony Soprano in the Tuna and I like it! Perhaps Bill is taking a page out of the HBO Sopranos script. Running a tight ship with dire consequences for those who don’t follow the family’s rules seems to have a familiar ring to it.
Maybe Tony Soprano isn’t really in the house but, the new head coach of the Fins is Tony Sparano, how freakin weird it that?
Making their pick in advance is meaningful for the team. For the floundering fish it means they can move ahead with rebuilding the team without a holdout, without a lot of quarterback or prima donna drama and without the rest of the league trying to second guess Tuna’s draft day strategy.

There are two fellas with the last name of Long in this draft, both of them highly regarded college players, Jake Long and Chris Long.
Jake Long as the number one pick becomes the highest paid lineman in the NFL without ever playing one damn down in the NFL. With a regular season record of 1-15 the fish need every able bodied player they can find. The Fins tried to trade the number one pick away and get more players but there weren’t any takers. The value of a number one pick is becoming economically questionable. Too often the number one pick is a big, expensive, ugly, bust. Better players are often found in the later rounds. General Managers have gotten wise to this and try to pick wisely and cautiously.
Don’t get me started on the inequity of the draft and the ridiculous amounts of money being thrown at unproven young talent. Fuggetaboutit.
But at least we don’t have numero uno drama to endure. Thank you football gods for small favors.

Bill Parcells is making his mark as the new head honcho, VP of Football Operations, in Florida.
By all accounts Jake Long is his type of player, and the type of guy he wants to build his team around.
Strong and mean on the field, but a good character kid off the field.

Although the drama may be missing, Jake Long is still planning to fly to New York on Wednesday and attend the draft.

As the NFL Turns will now focus on the number two pick.

The St. Louis Rams are on the clock.

Making a Mockery of the NFL Draft « Doing Joe Namath

Making a Mockery of the NFL Draft « Doing Joe Namath

Asking if he could Kiss Suzy Kolber while on camera and while clearly under the influence of alcohol was Broadway “Willy” Joe’s most embarrassing moment since he wore panty hose.
But as they say old jocks never die they just develop ED.

I feel for Willy Joe. He used to be the toast of the town. He was hot. I know, I was hot then too. Now Joe is old and droppy, a description that oddly, fits me. Joe’s party days are behind him, I think. I still like a good party, good music, fine wine, wacky tabacky and hot sexy, sweaty men.

But this weekend it’s just me and my love machine, the remote.
It’s time to waste two whole days on mind numbing blah,blah,blah. Yes it’s time for the NFL Draft. Whoo Hoo. This is the most contrived event in all of TV history. Ok, I admit that Dancing with the Stars comes pretty goddamn close.
But two entire days devoted to watching big, young men squirming and sweating in suits is sheer torture.
Still, it’s a rite of passage, they say, for true NFL aficionados. A testament to a fan’s dedication. The be all and end all for fans and teams desperately seeking salvation.
What it really is is a sideshow that rewards young men with immediate fame and fortune.
How fair is it for these babies to get rich before they have played one down in the NFL?

They are sent into a world they are not prepared for and expected to deal with money, fame, hustlers and groupies. The NFL eats up and spits out hundred of “ready for the NFL” college players annually.
But they seem ill prepared for the NFL and everything it entails. Here kid, go follow the American Dream.
By the way kid, here’s a shitload of money to go with your new fame. We expect you’ll know how to handle it.

Good fucking luck, come see me in fours years.

Some very creative, funny-stupid, lunatic men have taken that embarrassing sports moment and created a hilarious blog, kissing suzy kolber. I’m a fan of theirs. They truly have big balls.
Doing Joe Namath is this girl’s view of sports, satire and all the other shit that I can’t publish under my well known and respected name.
Doing Joe Namath is the irreverent rantings of a woman whose body rages with horrific waves of with estrogen. The only saving grace? I will never, ever, have ED!

About « Doing Joe Namath

About « Doing Joe Namath